I wrote this on February 9th, 2012, on the 32nd anniversary of my father's passing (as I point out later, below). Much has transpired in the past 14 plus years, yet this principle stands fast!

As I get older the way I think is changing (and now 12 years older than when I wrote this, I can confirm this to be true). The process of thinking is evolving into more one of reflection than merely generating thoughts. I often catch myself at this and in a way it sort of freaks me out. I get a picture of myself sitting, legs crossed, in a loin cloth and turban, on a snowy mountain peak, while this is obviously not the context of my reflection. I must admit though, this process is fun and challenging, and I certainly have sorted out many of my own issues for myself over the past years.

I have had an abnormal life. There has been much heartache and upheaval. I am not sorry for myself, I’m stating what I believe to be the obvious without entering the philosophical debate of “what is normal?” or even comparing my life to others’. However, throughout my life, if you had asked me, I would have declared my lifestyle to be one of discipline and self control. I genuinely thought it was. In hindsight though, it clearly was not!

There is a scripture that states, “their own lusts became their gods”. It is with sadness that I admit that my own lusts, whatever they might have been at that particular time, were my gods. I was out of control and had no discipline in my life. Going to a gym regularly and religiously practicing a particular sport is not discipline. Getting to work on time every day and diligently performing your professional tasks is not discipline. We tend to think so, but it is not. Discipline is a spiritual thing. It starts there and all other areas of discipline flow from it. If not, what we see as discipline is merely behavioural management, not sustainable transformation.

Without discipline I was an intensely unhappy person and suffered (brought upon myself mostly) and caused huge amounts of heartache, fuelling others’ emotions of unhappiness. There was also no peace in my life. Turmoil and disarray reigned. How can I say this? Well, if I look back at two main areas of my life, that’s all I see. In the areas of my personal relationships and my personal finances. My relationships were a mess (the detail of which is way beyond the scope of this short essay) and my finances even worse so. Although I was earning a large, healthy salary, I was up to my neck in credit card and credit account debt. I had the appearance of health, but none of the fruit of it.

Now, at this relatively late stage of my life, I find true discipline invading my life. From since I first started on my journey studying the ancient texts, I have heard and been taught truths like “trust in God not man”, “seek first the Kingdom and the rest will be added”, “don’t worry about tomorrow”, “if God looks after the birds, how much more won’t he look after you?”, and many more. What these actually require of us is not a cognitive grasp of them as truths, but application as lifestyle disciplines. You see, if we attempt simply the mental ascent of these statements, we will find too much evidence standing squarely against them as truth. This is essentially a surrender and this is the hardest of disciplines for any ego. It is in this discipline, the primary essential discipline, that we find peace. It is finding rest for your soul in this surrender that brings peace. It is from this place of rest that we need to begin each day. And this takes discipline. From this discipline springs the fruit of all other behaviours that we will recognise as constituting a disciplined, self controlled lifestyle. From this discipline springs the capacity to conduct and enjoy rich and rewarding relationships. From this discipline springs the capacity for financial order in a world that encourages self-indulgent slavery to credit. It is not for no reason that they coined the name “Mastercard”: you become its slave!

I can admit that as I look over my past I see many things that make me deeply unhappy. There are also things today that make me decidedly happy. But these are emotions, and they change with the weather. What is sustainable is the peace that is on my life. It has come to stay and often it wells up in me as a joy I can not explain or describe. All I can offer is that it is real, not narcotic induced, and it overshadows every mistake, pain or heartache ever endured. To cap it all, I now (in 2012) earn less than one fifth of what I did five years ago but I want for nothing. My financial statement has a positive bottom line. It makes no sense.

Today (when I first wrote this) is the 32nd anniversary of the death of my own father (and today it is more than 44 years since his passing). I miss him greatly and have for 32 (44) years. He was only eight years older than I will turn in four days time (I am now 4 years older than he was). What is real to me though is I now feel closer to him than I ever was.  None of this would have made sense 32 (or 44) years ago!

Post Script: Since starting my own entrepreneurial enterprise I have experienced even more, call it "suffering", and at times have actually lost this "peace" I speak of. I have discovered that the "surrender" I recommend does NOT get any easier, while always necessary.